A Post About Nothing

I woke up late with a blasting headache. Slept around 4 am until 11 am, guess I was tired.
Yeah, I am foregoing Christmas this year. Had planned to go to church, but gave up on that idea now. I will be working on my laptop all day, what else?
I am not good at handling people, and have serious trust issues sometimes I guess. Now, I even having trouble going back to church. Relatives might drop by, give me a serious scolding, ask me to go to work and stop trying out for college. They have been harping at this issue since I was in grade 11, asking me to drop out of high school and go and work. Their logic is that apparently my dad left lot of debts, and so I don't deserve to dream of college and should work off my dad's debts to them. The debt issue is a contentious fact since I found out later based on documents that everything is a lie, when I was 20.
But now days, my bravado seem to be slipping away. College seem to be a faraway dream despite all the applications in front me. It is like I am telling myself "don't desire to much, and you would not get disappointed", a self preserving defense mechanism that leaves my soul lifeless and dry. I am used to being disappointed that sometimes unconsciously I set myself for failure I am beginning to realize.
I have started to view things with a bitter perspective. And people, I shrink away from, because I have gotten overly sensitive to getting hurt emotionally, too much deluge of hurtful treatment forced me into unconsciously self protect myself. If I let people in, will they hurt me again? Because I seriously can roll up in a corner like a ball of yarn by just one hurtful word. Hence my isolation from my own former mates who I miss their company dearly. This time around my friend Annie, a budhist-hindhu-christian, will spend christmas day with me poking fun at my poorly assembled Christmas tree. Now she looks down at me because my poor existence. After getting into med school, she totally ignored me avoiding me like some plague.
I miss my dad. I miss my former best friends. I miss my old life. I miss feeling the pure innocence of joy again.