Not Being My Sweet Self Today

Brrr..I am feeling cold. I did sleep properly, but when I woke up, I had a really uneasy feeling. Probably, due to the early morning dream I had that kinda disturbed me. In the dream, my dad goes to buy something, and disappears. I am much younger, around 15, and I start searching for him for 3 days. I also kept saying, how am I gonna survive? The dream ended with me deciding to commit suicide because I felt I cannot survive in the world, and I ended my life. Not a great way to wake up.
Suicide is something I rather not talk about. Some stuff that happened in my high school years that really affected me, kinda kept changing the course of my life hence. Someone I knew tried it, a family member, and then kept using the fact to blackmail me by saying she will commit suicide. One of the messes that pulled me deeper into the gap time from high school after my dad's death. And, then everything went down hill, suicide started to seem as a very attractive alternative for myself. Young and impressionable, I guess.

And I hate allowing the thought of survival to cloud my judgment. People use this very term to justify the compromises they make all through their life. And I never want to be one of those people who make such compromises. I don't want to mark my life merely by the instinct to survive.
Confusing thoughts dancing up in my head today. I have to keep reminding myself to keep on holding on to my ambitions, lest I let my grip go and became too tired and jaded, and stop believing.