Miss Confusion

I finally figured out why I have been feeling so cold lately. Running a fever, and my throat hurts bad. I had been really depressed yesterday. My mind felt really heavy and confused. I felt that everything I am doing is useless, and I am running in circles. "Nothing is gonna come from all your efforts," my mind started to taunt me. I started thinking that I will never get any full scholarship to get me out of the emotional dungeon that my relatives entrapped in for years. I started thinking that I will never achieve anything ever as age is catching up, and I am fooling myself by building castles in the sky. I thought one day I will die old, poor and lonely.

I had a really hard time to push myself back to continuing the college application process yesterday. I had to force myself to sit down and work on the online applications. And a lot of stuff some of the applications are demanding that I can't figure out how to solve right now. For an example, I am applying to an honors college because of the full ride they are giving. Suddenly it seems they want 3 recommendation letters, and one of the letters should not be from teachers or family members (as if any of family members will write me a letter). I am suppose to get creative in getting the letter! I have 2 letters from my old teachers but for the life of me, I don't know who to beg for an additional letter. I have been living like a hermit these days, isolating myself from old friends and acquaintances because I could not take them looking down at me and their veiled tauntings. So, I lost touch with them and I know they wont help me out. Who to ask? Who to ask? If I don't come with a third letter, I will seriously jeopardize my scholarship chances there. My hermit life and emotional sensitivity is coming to bite my scholarship chances in the butt. Ughh. So I really don't know anyone to ask for the 3rd recommendation letter.

I am feeling really sick today. And there was total drama in the afternoon with the friendly power company sending out a notice, "pay your bill by today or get your electricity cut". De ja vu. The amount was not even high, and I just paid couple of weeks ago. I think the power company found a new way to get all the customers to pay on time. So ran to the bank, ran to the power company, worrying of the day my dad's tiny depleting trust fund for me will run out, and me not a day closer to possessing a degree or any sort of future. Everything seems inchoate and murky to my perspective right now.

"Soldier on through the bog Kyrie S, don't get yourself pulled under", I need to reminded again and again right now since I am seriously not thinking straight. The tarot I got today, The hanged man. I will post again tomorrow.