Missed Opportunities

Warning: This post is full of personal emotional drama and if my fellow bloggers want sth light, read the next pizza post below.

Ambitions. I am actually very shy and self conscious in writing about what my ambitions really are up to now in this blog because people might say (should say I guess) that I am aiming too high with the way things are going for me right now. Actually I have been told this by my uncles countless times since my dad died ever since my high school days.

I always dreamt of becoming a pediatrician you know. I know I know it sounds too much. My uncles told me millions of times it is ridiculous. When I completed high school, I got accepted into this premed + medical school 6 year program into this really top university and I was besides myself. I packed my bags and headed for the big city.
I arrived there full of dreams. I gotten a scholarship to cover half of fees and I thought I will kinda figure out the rest. I arrived at Uncle Tim's house at 6 am after waiting at the bus stop for 2 hours for him to pick me up. Big mistake no 1 on my part but I had no where else to go and then the drama followed. Started by him, witch aunt and Uncle Bas and not only they made me miss registration since I never went to the Big City and I could only depend on them to take me there, they went down to the university admin people and made such a bad scene, well you guys can figure out the rest.
When I started crying, they shouted nobody is going to pay for your college fees and that is why they are stopping me from going there. I told I get a loan or sth. They asked me how. I screamed I have the house. The told me the house is gonna be changed under their names since my father's creditors are coming after me. Well as I found on later the creditors were non existent. My uncles told me then since my dad had so many debts, I should not dream of medical school. Witch aunt screamed even your cousin Mona never got into the med school, she was sensible and went to become a dental nurse and we are not even in debt like your father was. Cousin Mona failed premed. Witch aunt screamed, " You are poor and should have ambitions according to your status".
I went back home defeated, and the reality took so long to register. I had worked so hard to get into that college and I let it slip by because I was not in control in my life then. The stuff that happened that day at the college is still too embarrassing and painful for me. At the end, the college admin people politely told me I should never have come there. Uncle Tim even had told them that day that I am so incapable that I would never be fit for med school. He lied, "she depends on other people for everything. She will never make it. She is so weak and feeble."
Well then 6 months later I joined junior college, still with a lot of crap from my relatives. They were very firm in not wanting me to get a higher education. They knew I still wanted to go into premed and then med school. I had decided to go through the longer route of junior college , premed and med school (God willing) since money was tight and I figured I will hunt,beg,etc for scholarships by doing my best in school. They told me to either go to trade school or get a job and pay off my dad's debts. They claimed my dad had debts totaling to hundrend thousands of dollars. Well my education experience was in short akin to hell thanks to them.

Well I aced through junior college. I am sorry I am gloating but these are the only small pleasures in my life. My strongest points are Advanced Calculus, Organic Chem and Bio I found out in which I got solid 'A's. I have been tutoring kids in Maths ever since I was in high school and have done volunteer work with paramedics for a year.
Well now I am not sure if I ever can afford to make it through premed let alone dream of med school. But I do not want to give up. This had been my dream for so long and I do not want to let go. My other dream is to work with UN one day for WHO.
Well these are my dreams, and I am too self conscious about them and I hope you guys do not think I am aiming too much and suggest that I should walk back on solid ground and start think about some other work lines. Everyone had their ambitions and these are mine. I have invested too much emotions and tears into them.
Writing this is making me embarrassed because I am afraid people will judge me too much and harshly for having such lofty ambitions.
Well I have put a lot into school because I know scholarships are my only chance. Confession number 3, I never ever been on a date before in my life because besides the fact I am such a geek, I put all of my energy in my studies n school stuff n I did not want to let my guard down.
This is really my most embarrassing post yet.