Bringing Up The Lackadaisical Side Of Me

It takes just one phone call. It should not be that way. I thought I was getting stronger. But cleverly veiled words greeted me, taunting me, gently trying to push me back to the edge, bringing me back once again to the ever familiar entangled emotions of insipidity and lachrymosity.
I just can't stop trembling today.

I had started Saturday morning, after an hour of my independent study, on a book hunting mission. Since the book I was looking for from last week had not been available in Borders and the other local book stores, the girl from Borders had jotted down several book store numbers located in the the Big City for me to try my luck finding that elusive book. A simple enough Saturday morning on my cell phone I had thought. And in the middle of making those phone calls, the phone rang. It was Uncle Bas on the other line.

Despite myself, I let the phone conversation get to me in the end. Uncle Bas just has his way. He started of in a disarming and cheerful voice, and as I was just my letting my guard down,
the thinly veiled taunting began. Seemingly harmless words perhaps superficially, but in truth disguised lacerating meanings intended just for me. He knew just which words will get to me.
A lackadaisical day started, continuing till now.

I took out my books, but the words did not seem to register past my visual field. The just finished conversation with Uncle Bas kept haunting me, past memories kept playing out in my mind the whole day.

In the end, I gave up trying to make sense of the pages in front of me, pushing my books away.

He even found me taking those exams very amusing. He pretty much made up his mind that I am not going to finish college, let on enter medical school, and he made sure I knew that.
I started feeling useless, good for nothing.
"What is the use of those exams and certificates you have? Stop dreaming, get a job permanently, and put an end to all your silly notions," was one of his sentences that kept cropping up and finally caused me to disgustingly close my newly purchased books from Borders (intended for the first exams I am planning to take next month in my gap year from college), books which only days before I had lovingly kept flipping through the new pages.

I tried to clear my head by reading through my favorite blogs.
But other of his much more insidious remarks kept continually popping into my thoughts. Just to rub salt into the lacerations, he even had to inform me of Uncle's Nick's rattling comments as well.
"Why did I ever trust these people?" I wondered.
Why are people the way they are?

I could not sleep the whole night, as I could not shut off his words and the even more taunting past memories involving my relatives kept resurfacing. How did I ever emerge from my teens with my sanity intact, with these people as my "guardians" after my dad died, is a conundrum that can never be answered. Their screaming and shouting that accompanied me throughout my youth still echoes in my head.

Just a few days before, I had thought I am finally starting to escape their suffocating influences. I had jumped to conclusions too soon, and I am disgusted with myself right now for always allowing them to get the upper hand, for allowing them to affect me like this.

I need to get this poison out of my system today, before I can get back to normal, before I can get back on track. My receding migraine has resurfaced from a sleepless day.