Being In A Limbo

I am taking a break right now. I have been hitting the books these few days, and I admit that studying again has put me in a bit of a cheerful disposition , even though I am not enrolled in any kind of educational establishments right now. I am an incorrigible geek who finds her contentment truly when she is studying something. My safe haven, a world of my own, when I get lost among the written words.
So, I guess, that is why it hits me pretty hard, to be separated from something I love, when I get stuck in a limbo, not being there among my peers, in the pristine ivory tower.

When things got hard growing up because of my apathetic relatives, I found the solace and respite I needed among my books, within the safe walls of my high school. A geek who cherished high school? I never minded the bullies, or even the mean kids. To me they looked like angels compared to the hell that awaited me outside in the form of my family.

I could be only truly safe when I was studying, or everyday until the last bell rang at school. And then the dreading began, the silent crying starts. Again, I will try to seek solace among my books, blocking my mind for a short while to the threats, cruel words, manipulative actions of my relatives. The voices will get louder, harder, the pages on my lap will become wet with tears that I will try not to show. The pages will dry, leaving not a trace.

My late father always encouraged me to learn, to study, as far as I could remember and I guess through the act studying, I feel each time that I always have something, a common point that I shared with my late father. During the early months after his passing, when I missed him terribly, I could only find peace just for a while, in my studies.

I wonder right now, of the disappointment that would be ached on his face, if he would to see me right now. Nothing for certain to be grasped in my educational future. Me standing in a limbo under the guise called gap year.